Antivirus

I wound up having to deal with a really obnoxious antivirus program at work today, because I accidentally visited a website that must’ve had some sort of virus nestling inside it. And all of a sudden a sumo wrestler flies out of my screen screaming “VIRUS DETECTED!” and slams into me, knocking me backwards off my chair and pinning me to the floor. It completely winded me. While I lay on the ground gasping for breath, the sumo distributed his bulk over my prone body, rendering me completely immobile beneath his mass.

“I AM PROTECTING YOU!” he kept shouting at me. It was like having a megaphone held up to your face. “I AM KEEPING YOU SECURE!”

“Help!” I tried to beg, but his epic man-boob smothered my mouth and muffled my cries.

“I AM UNOBTRUSIVE!” yelled the antivirus program. “I HAVE QUARANTINED THE THREAT!”

I couldn’t breathe. My mouth was full of oily sumo man boob. I gagged and writhed underneath him, starting to feel light-headed as I reached out, blindly scrabbling for the power button on the PC. But it was too far. I couldn’t reach it. This is it, I thought, sadly. This is how I’m going to die. The darkness edged in on the periphery of my vision, like the creeping hands of death.

And then, as suddenly as he’d arrived, the sumo vanished back into the screen. A little notification alert popped up: “Cookie tracker found and disabled.”

I got to my feet, unsteady and panting, and groggily returned to my work.